A Vulnerable New Year

I’ve been thinking about New Year’s resolutions. It was important to me that my first post of 2012 be about resolutions, but defining those goals has brought about a lot of thinking.

Usually by the beginning of the year, I have a pretty good idea of what I would like to focus on in the new year. Reviewing last year’s resolutions, I realize I have forgotten most of those intention-besides the “not be a crazy bride.” Apparently, I never went back mid-year to review my goals. Re-reading them now, (“Remember the happy”, take advantage of my art studio and Denver’s 300 Days of sun) I feel these three goals could pretty much carry me through 2012.

The truth is, with my unemployment reaching it’s 4 month mark (which almost coincides with our 4th month wedding anniversary) I’ve been thinking more about purpose. The holiday season certainly didn’t help my job search efforts and by the end of December, I was a firm believer that getting up is the hardest thing I do every day.

In additional to feeling rather purpose-less, the F word has been sneaking into my head. Failure. I realize that is is our culture and society that make us believe and think that it is our careers that determine who we are and whether or not we are a success.

But I have never been a career girl, so why has my lack of a job made me feel so lost? So much of a failure?

I am completely competent at grocery shopping, cleaning the house and getting dinner on the table. I even avoid laying on the couch watching TV. Why then at the end of the day have I felt such a lack of accomplishment? I certainly haven’t done the best job of taking advantage of the fact that I have an entire room dedicated to my art. And maybe when it comes done to it, it’s not the lack of a job that has made me feel like a failure, but rather I feel like I haven’t fully taken advantage of my unemployment. Do I feel like a failure as an artist?

 

When I think that I may be lucky enough to come across a job soon, I immediately become terrified that I will no longer have my time.

So with that in mind, as the New Year begins, I find myself creating a foggy resolution that is a mix of finding purpose and being enough. After all, my previous resolutions fall somewhere in between purpose and enough. It’s just that this year, defining the specifics is a bit beyond what I am capable of at this time.

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2 thoughts on “A Vulnerable New Year

  1. hellobluebird says:

    Lexis–what a thoughtful blog post. I think a lot of us can identify with how you are feeling here. The pressure to evaluate and refocus can be really intense and overwhelming at this time of year! Have you read Jennifer Louden? She wrote a good post about “enough” today–you should check it out. Here is the link: http://jenniferlouden.com/prevent-dream-burn-out/
    In the meantime, cozy up with some tea, let your good ideas take a spin, relax into them, and then move forward! Remember, our creative selves don’t know it’s January.
    ps–my customers continue to LOVE your work, and I can’t wait to see more and more from you over the years! Don’t be discouraged, please.
    pps–you are a really good writer, too!
    ppps–just posted THIS article on my FB page right before I read your post, and there’s some good stuff about the “f word” in there, too: http://www.creativitypost.com/create/twelve_things_you_were_not_taught_in_school_about_creative_thinking

    • lexisworks says:

      Thank you so much for your compliments on my art and my writing. I actually have some new stuff at the printer right now, so you’ll be getting a package in the next several weeks. Also thank you for sharing those links. It can be so freeing to know that others experience the same sense of being overwhelmed.

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