The hardest part about being unemployed is tackling self motivation. I try to hold myself to a lose schedule, at the bare minimum not sleeping into late and making dinner in the evening. But I do find that the act of getting out of bed is the hardest task all day.
This morning the bed won and I wasn’t able to get up until 9:30. Not the worst time to get up but not the best either.
I have been making progress in spending time in my studio. It still seems to be the last item on my list though. And right now cleaning it is on the top of the studio list.
I stay busy most days, but I often find myself feeling unaccomplished at the end of the day. There is something about getting up, going to work, being seen and coming home that creates a sense of accomplishment. Staying at home all day cleaning up, looking for jobs, making grocery lists, running errands and making dinner does not create that same sense of accomplishment.
It’s easy for me to become anxious at the amount of things I could be doing: I have unlimited time so why not tackled that “someday” to do list? Sometimes the anxiously leads to inactivity.
I am trying my best now to enjoy the down time. When I choose to watch TV with Bear in the evening or read a book, I am working on “choosing” these activities rather then spending my time fretting about some other task I could be working on. This is not easy. I feel a perpetual guilt over not using my time well. Talking to a friend the other night, I was relieved to know I’m not alone: she will make to do lists and feel so overwhelmed by it all she can’t start.
I’m been reading SARK’s Inspiration Sandwich and trying to find my creative freedom. She talks a lot about letting go and going/doing what you want to be doing and the money will follow. I was particularly struck by this line:
“I believe that we need to go to where we want to be and the resources will follow us.”
It is such a beautiful thought but it insights so much fear in me. The responsible adult that I am thinks of money and bills. But if I want to be artist for a living, there is a lot of fear that I must overcome.